yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
