Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
