Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
