my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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