Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
