I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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