When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
