She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
