I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My vagina is very pro this idea
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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