We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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