Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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