I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
