while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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