remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
