Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
