She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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