Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
