my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
