OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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