she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
