$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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