So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
