i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
