Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
