I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
