i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
