Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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