shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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