Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
