Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
