Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
