No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
