i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
