I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
