I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
