my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
