New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
