i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
