get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i think i have herpe
just one?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
