We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
