If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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