my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
