Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
