Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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