I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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