Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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