I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
