The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
