Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
