Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
